What Happened When the World Stopped

Dear ones, 

It’s at this point in our story that we reach the beginning months of 2020 – the year the world turned upside-down. One day we were working from the office, and the next we were in lockdown in our homes, looking out at the world and wondering what to make of it all. For me, as for most, this time became a period of reflection and deep introspection as my busy life slowed to a stop. 

In the months before COVID, I had been working two full time jobs, straddling business consulting and wedding photography. I was exhausted, but happy. I was overwhelmed, but accepting. Life was what it was, and I was finding a way to move through it all with some semblance of grace. 

And then came the great pause – that long holding of breath that was lockdown. 

I was confined to the 1200 sq feet of my townhome, with my partner James and our four pets. With creeping curiosity, I began to wonder: who was I without the busyness? What did I really want from my life? 

I’ll tell you, friends, I had few answers. But here, too, was something unusual: even if I had an answer, there was no way to act on it. So, for perhaps the first time in my life, I simply let the question linger. 

I felt it at the edges of my days, pointing me towards the things that filled me with life in that strange time. I found solace in poetry, in the words of Mary Oliver. I was drawn to the sky, to the shape of clouds that filled the view out my third floor window. I rediscovered a sense of curiosity for the mundane: the history of the train yard across the street, the story behind Seattle’s blackberry invasion, the different compositions of flour. Without intending to, I began to live just for the sake of living: no outcome, no benchmark for success. Yes, said some long-dormant voice deep within me. More please, it said.

And, perhaps best of all, was the way these small joys pulled me towards my people. It’s a beautiful thing to find a spark within yourself and watch your loved ones delight in your delight. I saw this most with my friends Rachel, Kelsea and, of course, Ethan, who poured love over me like water on a seed. 

I shared my silliest and deepest wonderings with Ethan. We left each other Marco polos and long texts full of thoughts and questions, as we unpacked the experience of this familiar-yet-unfamiliar world. It felt, at times, like we found our eyes open wide while much of the world was squinted shut against the fear.

Sometimes, talking to Ethan felt like resistance. Sometimes, it felt like purpose.